Stretching Limited Masculinity

Written by Dave Donnelly

Toxic Masculinity

A set of attitudes, a way of behaving, stereotypically associated with or expected of men. It's associated with having a negative impact on men, women and society as a whole.

This is a complex topic, of which I am no expert. Issues such as men making 'funny' sexist jokes towards women come to mind, along with the more extreme examples of misogyny and heartbreaking stories of homophobia. The reality is that all levels of our behaviours and our words can either contribute to toxic masculinity or can begin to deconstruct it. I am speaking as someone who spent most of my early life contributing to this culture, a fact I still find hard to confront. Growing up as a boy in Ireland, I had a deep understanding of toxic masculinity without even knowing its name. As toddlers, we are told 'big boys don't cry' as we watch emotionally stunted male protagonists on our TV and the big screen. Secondary school was a breeding ground where toxic masculinity had absolute rule. From the names we called girls to the homophobic, or racist, slurs we used against anyone different from us, it was apparent in everything. Countless times I learned the lesson that being different and showing vulnerability was wrong. When I hit my head, I learned that I shouldn't cry, that I am not allowed to pluck my eyebrows, and it's best not to announce I go to church publicly. Gradually I was stripped of any sense of identity, feeling that I had to conform.

In our secondary school years, the obvious truth was none of us knew what masculinity was. We were all faking it and silently praying to not be exposed. This lapse in our understanding seamlessly became fear, and this fear thrived on hate. Therefore, we naturally ridiculed and tore down our differences instead of embracing them. The natural leaders of our cliques chose an individual to 'other', and we allowed this, participated in this, to make ourselves feel more secure. Individualism becomes the enemy of this insecure masculinity. It tells one deeply insecure boy that it's a threat when someone else has managed to see and value something within themselves. This is terrifying for an insecure boy who's pretending to be a man. I do not say this to excuse homophobic or misogynistic behaviours. We do not need to sympathise with the oppressors. But to initiate a culture change, we need to understand why we men behave this way.

Many cultures around the world value the process of their boys becoming men. From the Jewish tradition of Bar mitzvahs to the Amish Rumspringa, such traditions have been mostly lost in Ireland. Here I believe, lies the heart of the problem. See, we as boys are not taught to be men, granted our fathers do their best, as do our rugby coaches and male teachers we subconsciously idolise. We try desperately to piece together a fractured understanding of what it means to exist as a man in this world, but we haven't been given the tools to do so. In his book, From Wild Men to Wise Men, Richard Rohr talks about enlightenment being more about unknowing than knowing. This begs the question, how do we enlighten our toxic masculine culture? We need a trickle-down change. If you are a white, straight male like me, your privilege demands you to take a stand. Work to be self-aware and actively shut down your unhealthy behaviours and then pass it on. Whether you coach on a sports team, lead a group of younger guys or even have a younger relative, take the time to model positive behaviour. Also, all of us need to start calling out toxic men. These things are hard, but we need to allow our conviction to outweigh the fear. We need to value the boys in our lives enough to teach them how to love themselves, others and the world around them.

Meanwhile, let's not be complacent with our own journeys. I said before that I contributed a lot to 'toxic masculinity culture in my past, but the truth is because of the patriarchal society we live in, I still have to work on unlearning the misogynistic behaviours ingrained in me. By being accountable for how I treat people and the words, I say I can further learn to quiet the young boy inside me that desperately wants to prove he is a man. By being secure in our unique masculinity and celebrating it in our brothers, we can banish toxic masculinity while simultaneously teaching ourselves and our boys what being a man is all about. This culture has left us with a society of men who didn't learn what it means to be a man or how to be themselves. These so-called men or 'big boys' are then incapable of teaching the next generation. Let's put a stop to this. Let's instead raise up young boys who use their words and not their fists, who value and empower the women in their lives and accept and celebrate the differences in others. In other words, let's teach our boys to be men.